Grieving Ryan

A year ago I wrote our Christmas Letter for 2022. I wrote of the many events of that year. I wrote of Ryan's death, of grief along with everything else.  This morning I wrote our letter for 2023. I wrote of the things we have done this year, the changes life has brought, the time we spend with our daughters. I finished the draft. As I started breakfast I was thinking about the revisions I'd make and the things I'd left out.  It was then that I realized Ryan wasn't in it and grief poured over me.  I can't decide if he should have been. A Christmas letter is a way to catch up, to remember a year of living and the events and changes that happened in that year.  Ryan wasn't in 2023. If I were to add him to the letter, what would I say? I don't know.  I'm too overwhelmed with what I do know - that Ryan isn't here.  A whole year has happened. I've woken and slept, moved through each day, and none of those days were about Ryan. He didn't turn 19. I