Wishes

I wish I'd hugged him the last time I saw him.

I wish I'd texted "I love you." when he asked for pancakes so he could say, "I love you too."

On that last morning together as we talked about the hard things that life requires, I wish I'd said, "We'll do them together."

I wish I'd asked him to play a game.

I wish I'd known how hopeless he was and sat with him in that space.  

I wish I'd crawled into bed with him and held him one more time that morning before the coroner came to take him away.

I wish I hadn't been too afraid of death to hold him when I could, even when he wasn't really there any more.

It's not that I think any of that would have changed his choice. It's not about wishing I could have stopped him, though of course I do.  This is wishing for one more moment of connection, one more memory of motherhood, one more smile, one more tiny tangible bit of love.  

Comments

  1. UnknownMarch 10, 2022 at 6:37 PM

    Sending you love from our whole family.

    ReplyDelete
  2. KristinaMarch 10, 2022 at 11:42 PM

    I hear you. Sending much love.

    ReplyDelete
  3. celiaMarch 12, 2022 at 6:03 AM

    Thankful you find the thoughts and words to Express your grief and allow us to witness and hold you

    ReplyDelete

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