Rosemary

I carried rosemary on my wedding day.

Rosemary for remembrance,

As I married the man I love,

Rosemary to remember my beloved.

A single spiny sprig,

Tactile, scented,

Textured and spicy

Like life, like his life.

I held rosemary as I pledged my love

To the man I adore

Who adores me

Who came running that day

When I found my beloved had left me.

The scent of rosemary was on my fingers 

As he slid a ring on my finger,

As my fingers slid a ring onto his.

Rosemary for remembrance

Because my son was not there.

Neither was I,

Though I did not know it.

Earthy rosemary from the ground

Grounded me,

But it could not bring me fully present

When I didn’t know I wasn’t.

I said the words and meant them.

I gave a ring and promised my love.

I looked into the eyes of my love,

And promised him forever.

I smiled and I cried,

I hugged and kissed and blew bubbles,

But I didn’t feel the fullness of it.

Didn’t feel the fullness of joy,

Didn’t feel the fullness of grief,

Didn’t know I wasn’t feeling,

Until I did.

It was days later,

In our honeymoon bed.

I felt the closeness of our lovemaking,

I felt the fullness of my love for him

As I felt the fullness of him within me,

And I cried,

Because the feelings came back

All at once.

The fullness of love drew the fullness of grief.

So it is with me.

I can quiet my grief,

But I cannot leave it.

I can wear a veil to obscure it,

Delaying full awareness,

Delaying too the awareness of joy.

The veil I wore my wedding day

Covered all feelings,

Then uncovered all feelings,

Because grief is always with me,

Remembrance is always with me.

Rosemary for remembrance.

Remembering his smile,

The way he said, “I love you too.”

The cold flesh of the day he left.

Ryan and loss are always with me.

So I carried rosemary on my wedding day. 

Rosemary for remembrance,

As I married the man I love.

Rosemary to remember my beloved.