Photo Board


 I started recreating my family photo board today. It's a magnetic board covered collage-style with photos of my children's childhood. Children running, climbing, playing, puzzling, swinging, exploring, and laughing. Their little faces smiling and studious and the occasional smirk. They remind me of the homes we lived in, the places we visited and the people we shared that time with. So many happy memories came flooding back. And it's exhausting. 

The tears weren't a surprise. As I gathered the photos and the magnets, I grabbed the tissue box too. 

I miss the young man I had breakfast with on February 15, 2022. Even in depression he was a joy to be with. I was incredibly proud of him. I miss the bright child in the photos even more. Over 17 years I captured the moments of joy that came between the tantrums and the pain. The boy on the board had escaped the struggle for a time and become his true self: strategic genius, eager explorer, loving brother, tender animal-lover, problem solver, and the luckiest gamer that ever lived. His joy was infectious and his determination unbeatable. Until depression beat us all. Bit by bit there was less of that beautiful soul ad more of the effort it took him to keep living day after day. 

I want the person depression hid from me. I want to see the amazing young man he was meant to become. I long, as I did most of his live, for him to be well and fully himself. I have covered half a board with glimpses of the wonderful life that might have been. Maybe tomorrow I can bear to do the other half. 

Drafted Jan 14, 2023

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