Valentines Day

 I've never been a big fan of Valentine's Day. I don't mind the red glitter, though it has haunted my house for months and years following a homeschool party. The wasted paper and pre-diabetic sugar highs are no worse than the other Hallmark holidays. The billions spent on roses, chocolate and various bits of pink and red fluff would be better spent on other things, but so would a lot of other dollars. The worst, really, is the way the holiday creates expectations in relationships that generally do more harm than good. 

I've developed a practice of discussing expectations with any potential valentine well ahead of the day. I generally aim for some small observance that is low stress and appropriate to the relationship at hand. If I studiously avoid feeding capitalism, I can generally navigate the day with warmth and connection. It can be nice. 

So it was that last year Jamie and I enjoyed a casual early dinner out and a walk around a lake for Valentines. No cards, no gifts, no flowers, just us together with a dose of nature thrown in. It was a lovely evening that felt like the start of a lovely tradition. 

I felt a little guilty that night that I didn't have dinner with Ryan. Jamie and I had been traveling and Ryan has been with his dad. I was still working at reconnecting with my not-very-available teen. Mealtimes were one of the best opportunities. But we'd had a nice breakfast together and Ryan was just as happy with frozen pizza. It didn't seem unreasonable to spend Valentine's as a couple. There would be other dinners at home with Ryan. Except, there weren't.

The next night I was with clients through the dinner hour, and by the night after that he was gone and I didn't feel like eating at all. 

And just like that Valentines, like so many things in life, is painted with grief and loss. I try to remember the times their dad and I took the kids out for Valen
tine's breakfast, all the heart shaped pancakes I made over the years, and the parties with games and friends (and glitter!). But just now, none of that feels as real as the dinner I might have shared with him but didn't. Valentine's will never been the same. 

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