Which Day?

 


They say to expect anniversaries to be hard. These are not celebrations with cake and balloons, but they mark the passage of time just the same. A year of life, a year of death, a moment to note as we humans  attempt to make sense of an ever shifting dimension. 

But which day is the anniversary? A year ago today, February 15, Ryan said his brief, unclear goodbyes. He miscued his mother so I wouldn't suspect and he swallowed the pills that ended his life. 

It was a year ago tomorrow that my world went sideways, that I told his father and his sister. Feb 16 is the date on the death certificate. Legally Ryan ceased to be the moment I told the 911 operator it had happened. 

So which day is the anniversary? The day it happened to him? Or the day it happened to me? Which day do I mourn and cry and fall apart? Which day brings it all back as if it were happening right now, as if I'd just held him a moment ago and now he's gone forever?

Which day?

All of them. 

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